New Year's Eve 2010- Yes, those are Buddhas.
I rang in 2011 with my soon-to-be husband. We had just moved into together after just a few short months of dating, but those few months felt like years. I never questioned my move to be with him. I never wondered if it was all happening too soon. I just knew it felt right. A couple of days after New Year's, we found out that we were expecting our first baby... Blueberry. She was a surprise. We had talked about going ahead and trying to have a baby a month before then, but had decided to wait since we were busy making wedding plans. Every decision was prefaced by, "But what if I am pregnant by then?". So, we decided to wait until the week of the wedding to try to get pregnant. Originally we were planning a September wedding, but when we found out about our little one on the way we moved it up to May. Our joy would be short-lived. Blueberry would leave us on January 30th. I was heartbroken and questioning whether my husband & I would ever have a child together. Blueberry was my second loss in less than a year. What if I couldn't stay pregnant?
After losing our baby, my midwife recommended us to an OB/GYN that she thought could help us. From our first meeting with her, I regained hope. She prescribed me every blood test under the sun and scheduled a saline sonogram for April. All tests came back negative. No blood disorders. No thyroid problems. No immune disorders. Nothing physical that could have caused my losses. This gave me relief, but also worry. I didn't have a "cure". But our OB said to try again in May, and she looked forward to seeing us again for our first prenatal appointment. Confidence. I needed that.
Our wedding day- May 2011
My husband and I planned our perfect, ideal wedding. It wasn't huge, but it was classic. Timeless. Us. Just recently my husband said to me, "You know what I loved most about our wedding? That I could look to the left and then to right, and I knew every single person there." Our wedding day also signified the week we would officially start trying to have a baby again. Apparently this was when it was meant to happen. A few weeks later, we found out we were pregnant again. We dubbed her Bean.
The first few months of the pregnancy were exciting, anxiety-ridden, amazing, & scary. Each new milestone brought us hope. But the fear lingered in the back of my mind always- please don't let me lose another baby. Honestly, I wasn't sure I could handle another loss. I didn't know if I would have the courage to try again. But every healthy ultrasound, every new week in the pregnancy were small victories and brought us renewed hope.
Our Bean at 20 weeks
I had decided even before we had started to trying to conceive again that I would approach this pregnancy with a very different attitude than I had with Blueberry. With Blueberry, we didn't tell hardly anyone about her. Not even my parents or my son. I wouldn't allow myself to buy a single maternity item or any baby clothes. I was not going to let it rip my heart out if something happened again. But we lost her. And my heart was still ripped out.
Bean would be different. I wasn't going to question whether she would make it past 8 weeks. I had to believe that she would. I told my parents, my sister, my son, and a few close friends within a week of us finding out we were pregnant again. The rest of the world would find out after our 13 week ultrasound. We bought her a stuffed coqui frog during our honeymoon to Puerto Rico- I was only 5 weeks pregnant then. Now this isn't to say that I never worried or had anxious moments of panic in that first trimester. I had them all the time. But I forced myself to take deep breaths and willed myself to think positive thoughts. And I prayed.
2011 literally ended with my husband and I moving back to our hometown. My husband had lost his job just two months before. I feel blessed that we had that time together even if we faced financial hardship and new stress. But we were able to spend hours together feeling our baby girl move, talking to her, making our plans for her future with us. Those are moments I wouldn't trade for any paycheck. 2012 has brought us a new beginning, but in familiar surroundings, and closer to the family that we love and hold so dear. In a few short weeks our baby girl will be here and a new amazing and beautiful chapter in our lives will begin...
"Every day brings new light...you just need to look for it."
