It is hard to get the trust back when you have been horribly betrayed not just once, but twice. When the betrayal has ripped out your heart, caused you countless tears, and made you just feel sick to your stomach. How do you forgive and allow another chance after so much heartache and pain?? How can you be sure that it won't happen a third time?
My body is trying to win my trust back. I am still skeptical and very cautious, but I can see that it is really making a concerted effort, a heartfelt attempt to make me believe in it again. And I need to forgive it... I need to be able to trust it again. But I am holding back a bit. It has broke my heart horribly two times now. Doesn't my body realize that it isn't so easy for me to just forget and move on??
Trust is just one of those things with me. Once you have betrayed it, I have a very hard time ever confiding in you again. I may take you back as a lover or a friend, but I will always be analyzing everything you say and do, fully expecting you to betray me again. I will not allow you to get as close to me as you might have been before the deception took place.
But I can't distance myself from my body right now... Distancing myself from my body would mean distancing myself from Bean. Bean is a part of me, my body is a part me, Bean is a part of my body.
I have realized over the past two days that my distrust in my body's ability to keep my babies safe and healthy is the source of almost all of my anxiety and fears surrounding this new pregnancy. If I can just find a way to trust my body again, maybe I can find a way to alleviate the anxiety. The trust is coming back slowly... Wednesday's Beta result and yesterday's ultrasound are a very good start. I guess it is my body's way of buying me roses and taking me out for dinner. ;) I am starting to soften a bit, and let my walls done a little more. Please don't let me down again, body.
