**Warning: This may come off disconnected and very random, but I feel if maybe I can grab & put down in writing these thoughts that keep running through my head then *maybe* I can gain some control over them. I find that these thoughts sometimes wake me up at night, or float through my consciousness while enjoying a breathtaking view in Puerto Rico, or when I subconsciously run my hand over my belly that is beginning to round slightly... Thoughts that cause very real feelings. And most of the time, these are feelings I don't want to experience.
Do I have enough pregnancy symptons yet?? I don't know... I do pee a lot (sure sign!), and I sleep more (9pm has become my new bedtime the past week). Shouldn't my boobs be sore? Not sure.... When did they become sore the past 3 times? And maybe it is a good sign that they are not sore. Do I REALLY want this pregnancy to be in any way similiar to my last 2? And nausea... none of that yet. Are my hormone levels not high enough yet or not high enough for where I should be? What if I am not getting morning sickness because Bean has stopped growing already...
Wait. What if there isn't a Bean?? What if this is just a gestational sac?? I don't even know for sure that there is a baby there yet. I have never had a blighted ovum before (At least, not that I know of. I never got to see Blueberry on a ultrasound, so who knows...). I will have my first ultrasound in less than 2 weeks, so I will know then for sure. But some nausea would be good in the mean time. Just for reassurance....
But of course, I don't want terrible nausea. I had awful nausea and vomitting with Peanut, and I know now that didn't mean that I was having a healthy pregnancy as so many had reassured me. It meant that I was carrying around a tiny baby that had stopping growing weeks before and my body was reacting to that... *sigh*
This week there have been painful and heartbreaking losses in my Twitter family. Very real and vivid reminders of what can go wrong (and what has gone wrong before for me) in a pregnancy. And there have been joyful news of new pregnancies. Babies that will hopefully be born within days or weeks of Bean. My emotions have been a whirlwind this past week. Every time I hear of a pregnancy loss, the feelings, the heartache of my last two losses come flooding back to me. And then I feel guilty- Guilty that I am feeling such sorrow (what if this isn't good feelings to feel for Bean?) and Guilty that I carry new hope while others have temporarily lost it.
Then the "what if's" creep in.... I hate these the most. The what if the unthinkable happens again. Will I be able to try again? Is there something wrong with my eggs then? And then, the thought of the next step- being referred to the reproductive center and then more testing. I try to keep these thoughts at bay the most. These are worries of something that hasn't even happened, and something I have no desire to will into reality.
So above are my ramblings. I just want to throw in a **Disclaimer here: These are NOT thoughts, fears, worries that engulf my being all day and night. These are recurrent fleeting thoughts & feelings that pop into my mind when I least expect it. Most of the time, I am thinking thoughts of hope and positivity. I am planning for the future that will include my husband and I's first baby together. I talk about next year with the inclusion of a new baby and all that entails. I talk to Bean every day, and so does my husband. We send him/her love everyday.
But just like on a beautiful sunny day, a gray cloud will appear and make you wonder if your lovely picnic will be rained on...
