I am struggling... Struggling with what I am supposed to blog about or tweet about. I have felt that a part of my online support system has fell silent since I announced my pregnancy, and have started to share some of the joys and lows of being pregnant again after losing two babies in a row. Even when I have strived to support others and offer words of encouragement to those in the 2ww, and those suffering their own losses and setbacks... Few replies, few responses. Mostly just crickets.
And I ask myself, why is that?
I understand the IF side of it. I know the feelings of jealously and slight bitterness when one of us has made it to where we all wish that we could be. And I also know the feeling of hope that would bestow in me at the same time. Such conflicting emotions...
Those riding the roller coaster of IVF and IUI need the most support in their 2ww's. But miscarriage survivors need the support during the actual pregnancy- namely whenever their scary weeks are, when they have lost their baby(ies) in the past. This week is MY scary week. I lost Blueberry 5 months ago during my 7th week of pregnancy. I am 7 weeks pregnant now and hopeful and scared and anxious... Peanut stopped growing at 6-7 weeks in January 2010. I feel like this is my trial under fire week. If I can just get through THIS week with a baby inside of me with a heart still beating, I will breathe a giant sigh of relief. At least for that moment, one very important milestone will be reached.
My blog has fell silent until now... Really because I had no idea what to blog about, or what wouldn't offend, or trigger someone else. And I also felt that maybe no one would be interested in reading the pregnant girl's blog now...
I don't want to offend anyone with my pregnancy. I don't want to appear to be smug. I am so far from that. Eventually I want to be able to fully celebrate this pregnancy without feeling as if others think that I am bragging. I feel that I deserve to celebrate this baby now and in the future. I have already endured flushing two of my babies away. I can't even explain to anyone in any words what that is like. Only those who have experienced it themselves can truly understand. I hate every day that my babies left this world that way, and that there was very little I could do to help them or change that. So, if Bean sticks (and I pray every single day that he/she does), I will post bump photos, and ultrasound pics, and make a tasteful announcement on Facebook. And I fully realize that I may become unpopular with some for that, and may even lose some followers for it. And I am okay with that. I feel in my heart of hearts that women who have suffered pregnancy losses or IF hell and who have successfully become pregnant (and in some of our cases, stay pregnant) are the ones who deserve to celebrate this miracle more than anyone else. I felt that before I became pregnant this time, and I still feel that way now.
