Dear Me,
It's me. I know you have already had a feeling about this. Call it mother's intuition. Very soon you will be going through something physically, mentally, emotionally that you never fathomed could happen to you. I am here to tell you that you will be okay. You will survive this, and things will get better. But there are some things that you need to know. Have a seat.
First of all, please don't take those pills. Ugh. You are just dragging it out and you will torture yourself for over a week. Take the option the doctor gives you for a D&C. It is NOT the same thing as getting an abortion. That baby knows that you wanted it. Have them send the tissue off to be tested. Try to find out why. Now, in case you don't listen to me about the D&C (which you might not because I know how strongly you are going to be opposed to it), I want you to know that you will lose the major tissue (yes, the baby may be in there) at your boyfriend's grandmother's 80th birthday party. Now this will be hard to get a handle on, but try to get a Ziploc bag & try to save it. It may not be easy to do since you will be at a community rec center for the party. Thus, PLEASE take my first suggestion.
Second, you did not make this happen. You didn't do anything wrong and you did not fail your baby. I know you are still going to feel some guilt and responsibility, but you will realize one day very soon that it was completely out of your hands. It had NOTHING to do with the few drinks you had here and there. It had nothing to do with the meds you were taking for your anxiety. The pregnancy was a surprise. You didn't know you were pregnant. You did all that you could, and you were a good mother to your baby while he was still inside of you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Do not obsess about every little thing you did or put in your mouth while you were pregnant. It will not change the outcome.
I know things are going to seem very bleak after you have lost the baby. But I want you to know that your life be AMAZING in less than a year. You will be happier, stronger than you have been in years.
Love Always,
Me
P.S. The school you are working at will close it's doors after the last day of school. Pack up the house, move it all into storage, and GO HOME. I know you are gonna hate to hear that, but you have to. You need to. Don't knock yourself out trying to make things work with a part-time job. You will just get yourself very deep into a financial hole which will bring back your anxiety attacks. Don't be the stubborn ass you usually are. Go back home to your family. :)
