I have been pondering where I "fit in" since my miscarriage 3 weeks ago. I started my alias Twitter account when I first found out I was pregnant for the second time this year. I longed for support and understanding, but was leery of telling too many of my family and friends about the good news. Having suffered a miscarriage less than 12 months before, I knew how much more difficult it would be if I told everyone I knew I was pregnant. Because in the event that you lose a pregnancy, you have to somehow let all of those people know that you are no longer pregnant. I had several run-in's with friends, sometimes two months after I had lost the my first baby, asking me how the pregnancy was going, how I was feeling.... I knew I couldn't handle the endless expressions of sympathy, the repeated telling to people that I had lost my baby if I happened to miscarry again. So, I started a secret Twitter account and "met" some amazing women. I am not going to lie- at first I didn't allow myself to follow women who were struggling to conceive or had suffered pregnancy losses. Like somehow, their mojo would rub off on me and my growing belly. It just takes one miscarriage to develop the paranoia. But after losing a second baby, I actively sought these women out.
So, I am no longer in the realm of the pregnant. Though I can relate to my pregnant followers since I do have a 12 year old son, and still remember vividly my pregnancy with him. But a part of me wants to distance myself from them a little. Some days I am truly happy and encouraging for them. Other days I worry like crazy about them, especially if they are losing pregnancy symptoms or start spotting and then I am reliving my most recent miscarriage just like that. Other days, I am jealous, maybe a little bitter. Why do they get to keep their babies and I have lost two? And then I feel guilty because I know some of them have been struggling to try to conceive for years, or have suffered more miscarriages than me, or have never had even one child.
I also do not really belong in the realm of the hardcore TTC crowd either. Though I am prepping my body presently for becoming pregnant sometime within the next year (hopefully), I am refraining from actively trying to get knocked up very soon. There are 2 reasons for that: 1. I am SCARED. I honestly can't imagine getting pregnant a fourth time and having to lose another baby. My odds at this point seem pretty shitty. 1 son, 2 angel babies. Seems like the odds are in favor of me losing another. 2. I am getting married in May, and bought my beautiful, perfect wedding gown at a closeout sale (aka, cannot be returned) and it fits me perfect at the moment. If I get pregnant before May, it probably won't fit me at all. And this creates a little more guilt- am I really putting a gown ahead of a baby?? But then I revert back to reason #1, and I don't feel as bad.
I also don't presently see a place for me in the Infertile and/or IVF crowd. Yes, I have lost 2 babies in 12 months. Do I know why yet? No. Am I going to find out why? Dear lord, I hope so. I don't believe I am infertile. The definition of infertile according to dictionary.com is, "incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spite of determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse without contraception". I have been pregnant twice in the past year. So, I can obviously get pregnant; my issue is staying pregnant. Which leads me to also conclude that I won't become an IVF'er, since it seems I am producing eggs and they are capable of being fertilized. So, for the moment I am not an infertile or a IVF girl. And I cannot lie, I hope to not become a part of this crowd on Twitter. I see what theses ladies go through on a daily basis- the medical procedures, the constant testing, the stress over finances... My heart aches for them, and I do not wish that for myself or anyone else.
I guess I belong with the bereaved mothers of the babies that will never be, but I also don't feel comfortable there. Yes, my heart breaks that I will never know my babies in this world, this life. But my grief and anger will not consume me. That is dangerous ground for me to even ponder. As a sufferer of anxiety and a person predispositioned to life event induced depression, I cannot allow myself to drown in my sadness. Emotionally, mentally, I have been to places that I wasn't sure I would be able to pull myself out of, and I refuse to allow myself to return to those places.
So, here I am. Not allowing myself to be overcome with grief, not pregnant anymore, not wanting to be pregnant at the moment at all, hoping and praying that maybe my losses have been unfortunate flukes and that my lady parts are happy and healthy, hoping to one day return to the realm of the preggoes when I am emotionally and physically ready for it...
