Remember that movie with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet? You know, the one where they both undergo a procedure to have their minds erased of all memories of them as a couple? The pain of ending the relationship was so unbearable that they decided that they would be better off if they would have never met at all. At least in their minds...
I was thinking of this movie yesterday as I was discussing with a Twitter friend about how nice it would be to be able to have the mindset of a "normal" childbearing-aged woman again. You know what I mean. When you had no knowledge that a pregnancy could end just like that, with no reason. When you believed that if you were holding a positive pregnancy test in your hand, then you just knew that you would be holding a baby in your arms 9 months later. When you didn't check for spotting or bleeding each and every time you went to the bathroom (which can be quite often in those first few weeks of pregnancy). When you didn't even question buying that cute maternity top or that soft little sleeper that is on sale at the department store. You never worried about jinxing yourself then....
So, what if, like in that movie, you could erase the memories of your losses? Of the pain, and hurt, the struggles of trying to get and stay pregnant? Would you do it? Would you set your brain back to pre-miscarriage, pre-heartache? You would be able to give yourself back that peace of mind that many of us seem so envious of in our easily and happily pregnant friends. Think about it. Would you do it?
At first Jim Carrey's character welcomes the procedure. Finally the heartache and hurt is going to stop. But as his memories are being erased, he realizes he doesn't want to forget Kate Winslet's character. Or his love for her. And he chases down each memory as it is slowly erased from his mind.
So, now I ask myself, would I want to do that procedure to myself to forget the losses of my babies? Allow myself to enter my next pregnancy with the hope and joy and certainity I had when I found out I was first pregnant with my son over 12 years ago?
Maybe. But I think I would end up just like Jim's character- chasing down each of those memories, no matter how painful they may be, desperately clinging to the heartache that has made me who I am now.
