I was at our favorite Italian market yesterday, grocery shopping for the first time since I miscarried. Looking at the produce and the Italian meats and cheeses, I realized that I was still walking around with the pregnant mindset. Is it okay to eat this? Ooooo, I read this is really good to eat for the baby's nervous system development. Yes, I know this is a super baby making food, but I don't know if I actually want to eat that. You know, the typical thoughts that go through any pregnant mother's mind as she navigates the world of food and drink, vitamins and minerals, safe and unsafe. And then I remembered I am not eating for a growing fetus anymore. I am just eating for me. And as a foodie and woman in her mid-30's who so desperately wants to be a mom again, this is a hard reality for me.
I most always eat for enjoyment and health, but the foods I purchase and prepare become so much more important to me when I know I am pregnant. Theses meals I prepare, each bite that I take is one more building block towards that beautiful, healthy baby I imagine I will hold in my arms in less than 9 months. When you go from expecting to empty in a matter of a few days, it takes a few more days for your mind to reset to the non-pregnant ways of thinking. And this hits me nowhere harder than in my cooking, my grocery shopping, eating. Because before baby, food was an important element to my life. My creative outlet, my passion. And for the moment, my love for food feels hollow, meaningless. It is temporary, but since I tend to eat 3 meals a day and a few snacks in between, it is a constant daily reminder of my now empty womb...
